The In and Out of Being Alone
I can't decide is it's annoying or frustrating but, I have been 'alone' in the sense of not having a significant other for, really, 17 years. I could go as far back as the relationship that wasn't with my kids dad...but, I won't include it. Although, I did help a guy out with his needs for a few months...yes, I know it sounds very ho-ish but, when you don't really get any physical pleasure from it and you're only in it for the companionship...it's not really a relationship. He was "separated" AND lived in another state only comin home to "visit his mother" yet he came to my house FIRST. Yeah, when I found that out, I knew that it was a waste of my time.
Anyway, in that time I've found contentment in being by myself...then something would be said by a family member or friend and that tiny (tiny...tiny) part of my that is hopeful for a man to love me as I am for who I am and not just for his own enjoyment, is sparked and I can't shake that stupid feeling for months and months!!!
I am a Christian. I am the Christian that has messed up. I am the Christian that has moments of lust BUT, I am also the Christian that knows that if it's for me, if it's meant to be a part of my life it will be. THAT is what is so frustrating. I'm a witness to all that God can do for a person! SO WHY CAN'T I STAY IN THE MODE OF CONTENTMENT?!?
And it has nothin to do with the various (bombardment) of sexually suggestive music, television shows, or movies that are out there; it has everything to do with the fact that I wanted someone since I was a little girl. As time went on and I couldn't seem to draw a brotha interested in a long-term relationship, it started to hurt. You know...you go through not feelin worthy, settle for 'it's not in God's plan'...I was even bitter for a minute but, I didn't really like myself like that so I got rid of that. I even blamed it on illness (6 years on dialysis, 3 years after transplant had mastectomy from breast cancer, liver angio-thing right after that) but, no one could leave me there. "The guy for you will accept you just as you are" Unfortunately, my self esteem wasn't tryin to hear that so some more time had to pass for me to get over that poor bit of hope.
Recently, this Valentine's Day as a matter of fact. I was there. I was in a good happy single zone! Then a few weeks later my DAG-NAB (golden hearted) sister-in-law sends me this beautiful message about someone somewhere is dreaming of me (it was longer)...WHY?!? I was in such a good place! I can't turn around and tell her how her message shattered my 'happy single's armor', she would be heart-broken...(SIGH!)
The past weeks I've been tryin to head off all the negatives I usually replay in my head when I wonder about why I'm still single...I did pretty good, I didn't cry and now I'm here typing this out, building up my 'content-to-be-single armor' cause I got a party I already agreed to go to this weekend and I've backed out of so many outings (using my children most times) with my daughter now a senior I need to get in the swing of doin somethin.
I feel good about not man-huntin but, lookin to have fun with people I know. Friendly but covering up when I know "he" is goin in for the digits (we all know guys have "that look" just before they ask for them) and not leavin in disappointment because I have no expectations...
WISH ME LUCK!!!
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